Here's what I don't get. Why do people always tell you that things happen when you aren't looking, and therefore just to be patient? I mean, sure things happen when you aren't looking. Like you get hit by a bus when you cross the street because you didn't look both ways. Or you run into street poles because you are looking at your shoes and forget that the road turns and therefore you should probably turn with it ( it may or may not have happened, don't worry about it). So, yeah, things happen when you aren't looking and from my experience most are negative. But what about when you are looking? Isn't it when you wait for a sunset that you see the most beautiful one? Isn't it when you plan to get up at 430 in the morning just to see the sky change colors that it works magically? And isn't it when you plan on meeting someone you haven't seen in 2 years that you have the most amazing reunion, because you got to look forward to it and decide what you were going to do (and maybe look cute if it happens to be an attractive male)? I'm not saying that everything has to be planned- TRUST me im not. All I'm asking is why do I deliberately have to try not to look for things in order for them to happen? I agree in spontenaity and doing things on the spur of the moment ( I really am learning to believe this and i'm not just saying it), but I also feel like the phrase "it will happen when you least expect it" sucks. Things can happen when you expect it, or when you don't. Fate doesn't care whether or not you're thinking about it- it has a mind of its own, which we would all know if we just watched the movie serendipity.
Here's another question. Why are we so afraid of rejection? How much do we avoid just because we don't want to be told no, or we are afraid that our self esteem will take a hit? How many things have I missed out on because I was afraid that I wouldn't be chosen, or that I would feel bad? How many times have I decided to take things personally instead of realizing that it just wasn't the right timing, or that maybe something better was coming my way? Recently, I put myself out on a limb. I said things to a certain person (read other posts to catch up people..) and didn't fear what he was going to say back. Could I be rejected? Yeah. Was I? Kind of but only time will really tell. Did my self esteem take a hit? If I'm going to be completely honest, it did a little. but to me, thats normal. no one gets denied by someone and feels great about themselves. But guess what: the world didn't stop. I didn't die, I didn't stop breathing and I didn't stop laughing. I went about my day and realized that if this was what was going to happen, I couldn't stop it. Sure, I've been thinking about it the last few days, but I also went out on a limb and did something I have NEVER done before. And I survived. So watch out everyone, I'm about to put myself up for rejection...a lot. Just kidding, really I don't want to do that. But seriously, I guess being bold made me realize that even if I am not 100% comfortable with myself, I am much more confident than I was before, enough so to put myself out tehre, knowing rejection was an option. I took the leap without looking, and waited to see where I landed. I might not have landed on both of my feet, but both of my legs aren't broken. I call it a break even.
I also recently didn't get accepted for a leadership position. Actually, if we are going to be completley honest, I got ocmpletley beat out. I didn't get the top position, and I also wasn't of the two other people running who tied for the co-leadership position. So basically, out of four people, I was chosen last. If we rewind to my freshman year of college when I didn't get the core team position I applied for, I think I cried for about 2 days. Today, I read the email, thought oh well, and went on with my life. Yeah, I would have liked to be in the leader role, because if you know me you know I don't do well as a follower, but I also recognize that not doing this opens me up for more opportunities. It means I can apply for something else or, god forbid, have time to myself (WHAT????).
I'm not saying I'm ready to be rejected for everything. I'm not saying I don't want to do anything- seriously do you think I've changed that much? What I'm saying is that SO many people seem to be afraid of the world of rejection- whether its by another person, by a college, by a club, anything. Why? Why are we so afraid of the word no? If we are comfortable in ourselves, and I'm getting there, we should know that everything that happens has a purpose. Rejection is not a reflection of just who we are, but also of the situation we are in, and our social surroundings. So really, its okay to be shot down once in a while. Sure, I'm not HAPPY I got told no in two situations, but I'm also alive, smiling and happy. And a little tired but thats because I'm sick.
So here is my challenge to you. Go out today, and talk to that person you've been eying in the cafeteria for the last month. Go out for the team you're afraid to. Try something you've never done before. Do something out of the ordinary. Dance in the middle of the street. Don't be afraid. You may be told no, and you may feel bad for a few days. But guess what, you'll live. I am. Worst comes to worst, you learn from the experience, dust yourself off and try again. Oh, and it's always okay to cry. That isn't a sign of weakness, but a sign of emotion and everyone should have emotions, duh. But do me one favor- don't think less of yourself. I know, I know, I have to take my own advice and I'm trying. So try with me. Try not to take it too personally- try to just keep moving. Or at least pretend you aren't taking it personally, and eventually it will come true. And if not, you can kick my butt when I return in May..if you can find me.
I wish you all a day filled with self-confidence, and a little bit of chocolate. Love and miss you all,
Siobhan
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Wait, Whats my name?
Okay! So obviously this isn't the first actual post of March, but lets pretend it is. K, great, thanks. Let's just say that if the first day of March was any indication of how the rest of the month is going to go, there are going to many interesting blog posts and laughs to come your way, and mine.
It started when I woke up. I had a text message from a person who will remain nameless (really if you don't know, shame on you) who I may or may not have stupid girly feelings for. Dumb. ANYWAY I was excited to wake up to it, and even more excited when there were various others throughout the day. OBVIOUSLY, this means love is coming my way. Oh, sorry. Hi, I'm Siobhan, a hopeless romantic who believes the most ridiculous events and occurences are signs of love and what is to come. You think I'm kidding? Nope. I make up scenarios in my head in which I am surprised by the man of my dreams, whoever it may be at the moment, with flowers, chocolate (duh) and the sappiest love note no boy could ever devise. Some may call that pathetic. I call it...well pathetic too but I can't stop, won't stop get it get it. Anyway, this whole post is about me interpreting grand life schemes from small events, sooo get used to it. Or just go read another blog, thats cool too.
SO after this occurence, I realized it was March first and the first words I said were rabbit rabbit! That OBVIOUSLY means its going to be a good month because if those are the first words out of your mouth, then you have good luck for the month! Again, I believe in all things good...and ridiculous. Yesterday was also an absolutely beautiful day, which did nothing but aid my good mood. I went to the soup kitchen in the morning, saw lots of familiar faces, and was called the most beautiful out of me and my two other friends who were there. Kind of awkward, but also awesome. I was also having a good hair day which is kind of rare right now because my hair is in between lengths and just gross. So really, it was great. oh, and my mom is sending me a package on Friday which is ALWAYS exciting (don't forget, I welcome all things sweet, american and chocolatey)! So the day was shaping up to be great, and I was excited to see what was next.
Then I went to Misericoldia. It started out awesome. The driver and other volunteer talked to Rachel and I lots and made fun of me molto due to the fact that my jacket was about 100 sizes too large for my small body frame. The driver may or may not have told me he was going to roast me and eat me for dinner. I am still sleeping with one eye open. So we realized that the driver actually lives right near RAchel and I, which was awesome because she was going to drive us home. This is where it got interesting. Basically, at the end of our shift we switched ambulances, why I'm still not sure. AFter, the driver told us to stay in the ambulance while we dropped another girl off because he was going to take us to Marina. Here was what he didn't tell us:
1) the garage we were going to wasn't the one around the corner, but one outside the city
2) we prooooobably should have gone inside to get our stuff because we weren't coming back.
Needless to say, all of that information was left out. We ended up at Marina's car, sans keys, phones, wallets and obviously most importantly, books. Marina seemed to think this wasn't a big deal, and that we could just go the next day to get our stuff. I did not agree. Basically, she couldn't take us back into the city because she didn't have a permit to drive within the walls. So, in the pouring rain without any keys, or BOOKS, we ran from the car and into our apartment buildings, where I had Maura buzz me upstairs.
After yelling for about ten minutes in Italian about how angry I was, with Maura listening patiently while making me dinner, I decided to take the 920 bus back into town with Rachel to collect my treasures. So, we took the bus, grumpy, tired and in need of chocolate, which ya know, I gave up for lent. Awesome. We walked t the misericoldia, where I rang the bell and in a frenzy and broken Italian explained who I was. We got our stuff, and all was well.
I decided to call the teacher that I was observing today just to clarify times. And this is where RAchel and I lost it. If you don't know, I used to take French from middle school through to college. I hated it. I was awful at it, it was miserable and it has served me no use in life. Until, that is, I came to Italy. Now, I speak a combination of frenglitalian. Its AWFUL. So when I called my teacher, not only did I say c'est, as in the french word for it is, but I also called myself Shavanna. I forgot my own name. I have heard so many people call me shavanna over the last month that apparently it has stuck. So thats what she knows me as, Shavanna. It was then that I realized how absolutely ridiculous the day was, and how the only way to get through was to laugh.
So, after these adventures, I have decided to make predictions about March. They go as follows:
1) love. not sure if this is really based on anything, but I always believe in love. so love.
2) I may lose myself (oh I lost one of my earrings too) but my true self wont be far or too hard to find no matter how anxious I become ( I may have started to hyperventilate when I lost my earring...it was too feet away from me on the floor)
3) I might have to go places I don't want to go (aka back into town in the pouring rain), but in the end everything will turn out alright
4) at the end of the day, something sweet can change all bad into good ( I bought a bag of gummies. not chocolate, but still good)
5) My friends and family will always be there to pull me through and understand what I'm saying, even if it is in another language.
I hope your days are as filled with insanity as mine, and that at the end of the day, you find a way to laugh off the ridiculousness. With love and an unreal craving for chocolate, pad thai, and a taro root drink,
Siobhan
It started when I woke up. I had a text message from a person who will remain nameless (really if you don't know, shame on you) who I may or may not have stupid girly feelings for. Dumb. ANYWAY I was excited to wake up to it, and even more excited when there were various others throughout the day. OBVIOUSLY, this means love is coming my way. Oh, sorry. Hi, I'm Siobhan, a hopeless romantic who believes the most ridiculous events and occurences are signs of love and what is to come. You think I'm kidding? Nope. I make up scenarios in my head in which I am surprised by the man of my dreams, whoever it may be at the moment, with flowers, chocolate (duh) and the sappiest love note no boy could ever devise. Some may call that pathetic. I call it...well pathetic too but I can't stop, won't stop get it get it. Anyway, this whole post is about me interpreting grand life schemes from small events, sooo get used to it. Or just go read another blog, thats cool too.
SO after this occurence, I realized it was March first and the first words I said were rabbit rabbit! That OBVIOUSLY means its going to be a good month because if those are the first words out of your mouth, then you have good luck for the month! Again, I believe in all things good...and ridiculous. Yesterday was also an absolutely beautiful day, which did nothing but aid my good mood. I went to the soup kitchen in the morning, saw lots of familiar faces, and was called the most beautiful out of me and my two other friends who were there. Kind of awkward, but also awesome. I was also having a good hair day which is kind of rare right now because my hair is in between lengths and just gross. So really, it was great. oh, and my mom is sending me a package on Friday which is ALWAYS exciting (don't forget, I welcome all things sweet, american and chocolatey)! So the day was shaping up to be great, and I was excited to see what was next.
Then I went to Misericoldia. It started out awesome. The driver and other volunteer talked to Rachel and I lots and made fun of me molto due to the fact that my jacket was about 100 sizes too large for my small body frame. The driver may or may not have told me he was going to roast me and eat me for dinner. I am still sleeping with one eye open. So we realized that the driver actually lives right near RAchel and I, which was awesome because she was going to drive us home. This is where it got interesting. Basically, at the end of our shift we switched ambulances, why I'm still not sure. AFter, the driver told us to stay in the ambulance while we dropped another girl off because he was going to take us to Marina. Here was what he didn't tell us:
1) the garage we were going to wasn't the one around the corner, but one outside the city
2) we prooooobably should have gone inside to get our stuff because we weren't coming back.
Needless to say, all of that information was left out. We ended up at Marina's car, sans keys, phones, wallets and obviously most importantly, books. Marina seemed to think this wasn't a big deal, and that we could just go the next day to get our stuff. I did not agree. Basically, she couldn't take us back into the city because she didn't have a permit to drive within the walls. So, in the pouring rain without any keys, or BOOKS, we ran from the car and into our apartment buildings, where I had Maura buzz me upstairs.
After yelling for about ten minutes in Italian about how angry I was, with Maura listening patiently while making me dinner, I decided to take the 920 bus back into town with Rachel to collect my treasures. So, we took the bus, grumpy, tired and in need of chocolate, which ya know, I gave up for lent. Awesome. We walked t the misericoldia, where I rang the bell and in a frenzy and broken Italian explained who I was. We got our stuff, and all was well.
I decided to call the teacher that I was observing today just to clarify times. And this is where RAchel and I lost it. If you don't know, I used to take French from middle school through to college. I hated it. I was awful at it, it was miserable and it has served me no use in life. Until, that is, I came to Italy. Now, I speak a combination of frenglitalian. Its AWFUL. So when I called my teacher, not only did I say c'est, as in the french word for it is, but I also called myself Shavanna. I forgot my own name. I have heard so many people call me shavanna over the last month that apparently it has stuck. So thats what she knows me as, Shavanna. It was then that I realized how absolutely ridiculous the day was, and how the only way to get through was to laugh.
So, after these adventures, I have decided to make predictions about March. They go as follows:
1) love. not sure if this is really based on anything, but I always believe in love. so love.
2) I may lose myself (oh I lost one of my earrings too) but my true self wont be far or too hard to find no matter how anxious I become ( I may have started to hyperventilate when I lost my earring...it was too feet away from me on the floor)
3) I might have to go places I don't want to go (aka back into town in the pouring rain), but in the end everything will turn out alright
4) at the end of the day, something sweet can change all bad into good ( I bought a bag of gummies. not chocolate, but still good)
5) My friends and family will always be there to pull me through and understand what I'm saying, even if it is in another language.
I hope your days are as filled with insanity as mine, and that at the end of the day, you find a way to laugh off the ridiculousness. With love and an unreal craving for chocolate, pad thai, and a taro root drink,
Siobhan
This Little Light of Mine- I'm Gonna Let It Shine
Okay, before I start writing this I just want to explain how it's going to work. Basically, I have a serious post to write, and then one that hopefully is more lighthearted and has a little more humor. Because I am a neat and organized freak, the thought of putting these two very different topics in the same post nearly created a heart attack. I may have grown in the last month, but I still haven't abandoned my love for planners, sticky notes and organization. So, this post is going to be deeper and a little more personal. If you are interested, read on. If, instead, your day has been shitty and you just want to laugh either with me or at me, I suggest skipping this one and reading the post above it. Obviously, it is up to you, as the reader, but I still get to write and organize how I want. So ha! But seriously, read what you like, and enjoy :).
Many of you who know me well know that during my senior year of high school, I went through a really rough patch. For whatever reason, probably multiple, I was not dealing with transition well and was inundated with negative thoughts throughout the day. I was afraid to be alone, because I wasn't sure what I was capable of doing to myself. Needless to say, it was not only a rough patch for me, but also for my friends and family closest to me because these were not characteristics typical of the intense yet life-loving Siobhan. It was a scary time period, but luckily I was able to make it through thanks to the support of many and to the best therapist in the world, Ruth. I am stronger because of what I went through and I wouldn't take it back for anything, because that experience and all that I learned from it made me who I am today, as crazy as that person may be.
Lets fast forward to present time. This past Sunday, I went on a day trip by myself to Cortona, Italy. It probably would take about an hour to get there by car, but thanks to the lovely transportation system, it became an all day excursion. I first took a bus to Arezzo, where I connected and took a second bus to Cortona. After leaving at 10:10 in the morning, almost missing the second bus because apparently there is more than one piazza in Arezzo, go figure, I arrived in the beautiful Cortona at around one o'clock. I was going to be there until the bus came back around 6, so I had lots of exploring to do. And I did. Cortona and I, the inside of the city and outside, are now best friends. There may have been times where I was trespassing on either someones lawn or church property because I got lost, times where I ended up outside the city walls and then literally inside the wall by accident, times when I climbed through a two foot wide hole on a muddy incline to get out, and times when a nun had to tell me how to get OUT of the church yard, but all in all it was a great trip. I got to take lots of pictures, walk around a lot, eat a pretty bangin tuna sandwhich, and just be.
Thats the key phrase. I got to just be. I was by myself, wandering without a plan, without a map, and without a real time frame. Sure, I had to be back to the bus at 6, but the rest of the time was mine. I didn't realize it until today, but the fact that I was able to go through that entire day, by myself, and not once think negative thoughts about me being alone is a clear sign of how much I have grown in the last four years. There was a time when I couldn't wake up in the middle of the night without starting to cry. Now, I can take a total of six buses in one day, climb through caves and walk around church yards by myself without once thinking about anything other than the beauty of the city, and okay, occasionally of a hot tourist who walked by. I was SO proud of myself when I figured this out this morning, that I knew it had to go in a blog post. It's not just that I have overcome these challenges and have grown as a person. Its that I can face independence and aloneness with a sense of pride and acceptance rather than fear. Its that, for once, I can look back on the people I put through hell my senior year, and realize that in the end it was okay, because today I made it. Today, I am alive and I am strong. Today, I can be me, with other people or alone, and be okay.
So here's to you, Italy, for showing me how much I have grown. But the journey doesn't stop here, and I don't want it to. I can't wait to see what happens tomorrow, where I go from here, and where the next challenge lays. For now, I have hope. No matter how rough the seas may get, or how steep the hills, and let me tell you how friggin steep Siena hills are, I can make it to the other side. I know that there is a bright side, for today, I found it. So this is for you, mom, dad, brendan, and ruth. This is for all those who called me bipolar bear and meant it with the most love- i hold onto that nickname as a memento of where I was, and really just as a reminder of how emotional I will always be- that wont change so get used to it. But seriously. Thank you mommy, daddy and brendan for always believing I would find the light. Today, I did, and I dedicate it to you.
I hope you all have hills to climb but that you never forget that at the top, you can see the sun. Or if its cloudy, you can just sleep in a tent until tomorrow.
Love always,
me
Many of you who know me well know that during my senior year of high school, I went through a really rough patch. For whatever reason, probably multiple, I was not dealing with transition well and was inundated with negative thoughts throughout the day. I was afraid to be alone, because I wasn't sure what I was capable of doing to myself. Needless to say, it was not only a rough patch for me, but also for my friends and family closest to me because these were not characteristics typical of the intense yet life-loving Siobhan. It was a scary time period, but luckily I was able to make it through thanks to the support of many and to the best therapist in the world, Ruth. I am stronger because of what I went through and I wouldn't take it back for anything, because that experience and all that I learned from it made me who I am today, as crazy as that person may be.
Lets fast forward to present time. This past Sunday, I went on a day trip by myself to Cortona, Italy. It probably would take about an hour to get there by car, but thanks to the lovely transportation system, it became an all day excursion. I first took a bus to Arezzo, where I connected and took a second bus to Cortona. After leaving at 10:10 in the morning, almost missing the second bus because apparently there is more than one piazza in Arezzo, go figure, I arrived in the beautiful Cortona at around one o'clock. I was going to be there until the bus came back around 6, so I had lots of exploring to do. And I did. Cortona and I, the inside of the city and outside, are now best friends. There may have been times where I was trespassing on either someones lawn or church property because I got lost, times where I ended up outside the city walls and then literally inside the wall by accident, times when I climbed through a two foot wide hole on a muddy incline to get out, and times when a nun had to tell me how to get OUT of the church yard, but all in all it was a great trip. I got to take lots of pictures, walk around a lot, eat a pretty bangin tuna sandwhich, and just be.
Thats the key phrase. I got to just be. I was by myself, wandering without a plan, without a map, and without a real time frame. Sure, I had to be back to the bus at 6, but the rest of the time was mine. I didn't realize it until today, but the fact that I was able to go through that entire day, by myself, and not once think negative thoughts about me being alone is a clear sign of how much I have grown in the last four years. There was a time when I couldn't wake up in the middle of the night without starting to cry. Now, I can take a total of six buses in one day, climb through caves and walk around church yards by myself without once thinking about anything other than the beauty of the city, and okay, occasionally of a hot tourist who walked by. I was SO proud of myself when I figured this out this morning, that I knew it had to go in a blog post. It's not just that I have overcome these challenges and have grown as a person. Its that I can face independence and aloneness with a sense of pride and acceptance rather than fear. Its that, for once, I can look back on the people I put through hell my senior year, and realize that in the end it was okay, because today I made it. Today, I am alive and I am strong. Today, I can be me, with other people or alone, and be okay.
So here's to you, Italy, for showing me how much I have grown. But the journey doesn't stop here, and I don't want it to. I can't wait to see what happens tomorrow, where I go from here, and where the next challenge lays. For now, I have hope. No matter how rough the seas may get, or how steep the hills, and let me tell you how friggin steep Siena hills are, I can make it to the other side. I know that there is a bright side, for today, I found it. So this is for you, mom, dad, brendan, and ruth. This is for all those who called me bipolar bear and meant it with the most love- i hold onto that nickname as a memento of where I was, and really just as a reminder of how emotional I will always be- that wont change so get used to it. But seriously. Thank you mommy, daddy and brendan for always believing I would find the light. Today, I did, and I dedicate it to you.
I hope you all have hills to climb but that you never forget that at the top, you can see the sun. Or if its cloudy, you can just sleep in a tent until tomorrow.
Love always,
me
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Whats Behind Door One?
Everyday we are faced with choices. Some may be small, like whether or not I should pretend to like coffee for another day, while others may be much larger. What I have started to realize in the last few weeks, is that every choice leads us down a different road. My original pretending to like coffee to make Maura happy has lead to me actually liking it a month and a half later. And my constant decisions to go on different adventures or do things on my own has lead to me becoming a much stronger and confident person than I was when I came to Italy. My decisions, my actions, and my choices have lead me to where I am today.
But what about everything we didn't choose? What about all of the options we threw aside and dismissed? How different would our lives be if we had chosen those instead? And can there be a wrong choice? Is there a bad decision, or only a decision that has led you to where you are supposed to be? Today I was going to go on a day trip by myself to a small city. I ended up staying out late last night, so I decided not to go. This lead to me climbing the Siena bell tower today, and gardening for service. IT also means that I can't go to mass tomorrow because I am going to Cortona. This means that the next weekend I will go to mass, but then wont be able to do another day trip. don't you see? Don't you see how my one choice to stay out late lead to all of these other consequences? Granted, this isn't a big deal, and my life isn't changed because of it. But what if every choice I make has a chain reaction similar to this? What direction will my life head in, and how different will it be because of the options I chose, and the ones I neglected?
Every choice we make has an impact. It effects what we do, what others do, how we are perceived, etc. My choice to live this experience as my own and to not worry about what others here think of me has often lead to me away from the group. It means that no one here really knows who I am on the inside. My decision to study abroad has lead me to leave behind many people who might need me. At this time especially I find myself missing my older brother and wishing he were here to call me an idiot and to tell me to stop worrying about stupid shit. My decision to come abroad meant that I couldn't hear his constant, and loving, insults daily. I miss being called the dumbest smart kid.
So if every decision we make has an impact, and if we dont always know what the best choice is, what the hell do we do? Sure, we could spend every minute analyzing. I could analyze my choice to fall for a boy in my program who has no interest in me, and wont. I could analyze why I say what I do and why I hold other things back. most of you would assume that this is what I do, and you would be right. But now I find myself asking why? Why should I sit here and analyze every choice I make? What good is it going to do? Sure, options should be weighed and care should be taken when necessary. But on a day to day basis, I say we should just live. Live your life and see where it goes. See where the present moment leads you and follow your heart instead of your brain. Take comfort in knowing that faith will lead you home, and fate has a plan even when you don't. Your choices matter, but when you analyze them for every minute, you stop living. So live. I say live. I say put away the analytical comments, stop wondering, and do. Sure, I dont do this half as often as I should, but I'm going to try and take my own advice and live instead of think. To feel alive instead of wondering how to do so.
And now I'm off to eat dinner. Should I have chicken or veal? Water or Milk? Penne or red sauce? Luckily, Maura decides all of this for me, leaving my dinner, options, and life in her hands. Thank you, Maura, for choosing the right dinner foods. It probably changed my course of fate, or at the very least, it changed my appetite.
I wish you all a day filled with love and a little spontanaiety. With love,
Siobhan
But what about everything we didn't choose? What about all of the options we threw aside and dismissed? How different would our lives be if we had chosen those instead? And can there be a wrong choice? Is there a bad decision, or only a decision that has led you to where you are supposed to be? Today I was going to go on a day trip by myself to a small city. I ended up staying out late last night, so I decided not to go. This lead to me climbing the Siena bell tower today, and gardening for service. IT also means that I can't go to mass tomorrow because I am going to Cortona. This means that the next weekend I will go to mass, but then wont be able to do another day trip. don't you see? Don't you see how my one choice to stay out late lead to all of these other consequences? Granted, this isn't a big deal, and my life isn't changed because of it. But what if every choice I make has a chain reaction similar to this? What direction will my life head in, and how different will it be because of the options I chose, and the ones I neglected?
Every choice we make has an impact. It effects what we do, what others do, how we are perceived, etc. My choice to live this experience as my own and to not worry about what others here think of me has often lead to me away from the group. It means that no one here really knows who I am on the inside. My decision to study abroad has lead me to leave behind many people who might need me. At this time especially I find myself missing my older brother and wishing he were here to call me an idiot and to tell me to stop worrying about stupid shit. My decision to come abroad meant that I couldn't hear his constant, and loving, insults daily. I miss being called the dumbest smart kid.
So if every decision we make has an impact, and if we dont always know what the best choice is, what the hell do we do? Sure, we could spend every minute analyzing. I could analyze my choice to fall for a boy in my program who has no interest in me, and wont. I could analyze why I say what I do and why I hold other things back. most of you would assume that this is what I do, and you would be right. But now I find myself asking why? Why should I sit here and analyze every choice I make? What good is it going to do? Sure, options should be weighed and care should be taken when necessary. But on a day to day basis, I say we should just live. Live your life and see where it goes. See where the present moment leads you and follow your heart instead of your brain. Take comfort in knowing that faith will lead you home, and fate has a plan even when you don't. Your choices matter, but when you analyze them for every minute, you stop living. So live. I say live. I say put away the analytical comments, stop wondering, and do. Sure, I dont do this half as often as I should, but I'm going to try and take my own advice and live instead of think. To feel alive instead of wondering how to do so.
And now I'm off to eat dinner. Should I have chicken or veal? Water or Milk? Penne or red sauce? Luckily, Maura decides all of this for me, leaving my dinner, options, and life in her hands. Thank you, Maura, for choosing the right dinner foods. It probably changed my course of fate, or at the very least, it changed my appetite.
I wish you all a day filled with love and a little spontanaiety. With love,
Siobhan
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
What Happens When We Become Invisible?
There is a man who sits on the side of the road in Siena. I pass him every night on my way to Piazza Gramsci, where I catch the bus. He is in a place where you can't miss him, although it seems like many people don't even notice he is there. Two or three times this semester, I have had extra food in my bag and have given it to him. Yesterday, I saw him like I do everyday, sitting on the corner. I had extra food in my bag, but was also about to miss the bus so I didn't stop. I got to my bus stop in time, and was overcome with such guilt. How could I have walked by this man and not provided him with the extras I had? How could I have been so cold? My conscious was eating at me so much that I risked missing my bus, went back, and handed him the extra food I had. I don't know if I did it because I knew he was hungry, or if I just wanted my conscience to stop beating me up. Was it because I knew he wanted the food, or because I wanted to please myself? Either way, I felt like shit that night, for I had join the masses who chose to believe the man was invisible, even though he can't be missed.
This encounter got me thinking. What happens when we become invisible to everyone around us? What happens when the thousands of people who walk by us everyday fail to notice who we are, let alone care about how we became that person? This man isn't a beggar who will bombard you in the street. Instead, he sits on the side with a cardboard sign and a cup, hoping that someone will see him even if for just a second. That someone will realize that he is a person, and not just a figure on the side of the road. I'm sure we have all felt invisible- God knows I have. Whether it is the boy who can't see how much I care or the group of friends that have left me out, I know what it feels like to be forgotten. I know what it feels like to be on the outside. But everyday? Every minute of everyday, to be ignored? Why does this man, or any, deserve that? What have they done to be forced to wear the invisible cloak for all of their days, sheltered from the harm, but also from the love?
I feel like the service that I am doing with IPSL is mainly about remembering those who have been forgotten. At the soup kitchen, and with the ambulance, I can work with the people who many have neglected- those that are hungry and those that have grown old despite their vigilance to stay young at heart. I have been blessed enough to be in the company of these people and to try and make an impact. I have learned a few things in the past week about invisibility and how to break it. First, there is no such thing as a language barrier. A smile and a simple how are you goes a long way. I don't have to always know what the person is saying to me, as long as I listen. Sometimes it isn't about knowing what to say, but instead just listening to someone who wants to share. Asking someone how their day is going and smiling at them breaks through the cloak of invisibility. Stopping to make eye contact lets them know that you care enough to take a second out of your day to listen to their thoughts, even as many others refuse a welcoming ear. Giving a person the time of day means more than being able to express yourself in their language. Caring is a universal language that can be spoken by everyone, as long as one opens their heart.
Today, I was given three euro by an elderly woman we were helping during my misericoldia service. She told me to go and get a coffee with it. Today, I saw a man from the soup kitchen as I was walking to school, and he recognized me. We stopped, chatted about something, im not sure what, and he gave me a kiss goodbye. He remembered who I was, I remembered who he was and for a few seconds, we meant something to each other. The elderly man went on his way, and I went on mine, but I won't forget the impact he had, and the way the recognition between us resonated. He made me feel like I made an impact, and I hope he knows how much I care about helping him. The invisibility lifted and love and understanding fell into its place. Today, as I was walking to the bus I was prepared to give my nutella sandwhich and a croissant to the man who sits on the corner. Today, I was going to ask him his name. When I walked by, he wasn't there. I don;t know where he is and I don't know the last time I've been this worried about someone, let alone a stranger. I pray that he is warm, and that he has had enough food. I pray that I get to see him tomorrow and ask him his name.
I don't know the names of any of the people that impacted me today. They don't know mine either. What I do know is that they showed me what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to make visible those who feel like no one can see them. I want to unveil the cloak, and show people that there are those who still care for them and haven't forgotten their faces. Whether it is the children in the cities, the elderly or another forgotten population, I want to go where no one else will, just so that I can smile, ask someone how they are, and try to peel away the layers of invisibility that have been caked on. I want to do the impossible. I want to make an impact. I want to battle invisibility.
Thank you to the three people who changed me today. I hope you know how much you have impacted me, and how tightly I carry you in my heart. No matter how many people walk by you without a glance, I see you.
I pray that you all feel visible, and that you have hearts filled with hope and love.
With thanks,
Siobhan
This encounter got me thinking. What happens when we become invisible to everyone around us? What happens when the thousands of people who walk by us everyday fail to notice who we are, let alone care about how we became that person? This man isn't a beggar who will bombard you in the street. Instead, he sits on the side with a cardboard sign and a cup, hoping that someone will see him even if for just a second. That someone will realize that he is a person, and not just a figure on the side of the road. I'm sure we have all felt invisible- God knows I have. Whether it is the boy who can't see how much I care or the group of friends that have left me out, I know what it feels like to be forgotten. I know what it feels like to be on the outside. But everyday? Every minute of everyday, to be ignored? Why does this man, or any, deserve that? What have they done to be forced to wear the invisible cloak for all of their days, sheltered from the harm, but also from the love?
I feel like the service that I am doing with IPSL is mainly about remembering those who have been forgotten. At the soup kitchen, and with the ambulance, I can work with the people who many have neglected- those that are hungry and those that have grown old despite their vigilance to stay young at heart. I have been blessed enough to be in the company of these people and to try and make an impact. I have learned a few things in the past week about invisibility and how to break it. First, there is no such thing as a language barrier. A smile and a simple how are you goes a long way. I don't have to always know what the person is saying to me, as long as I listen. Sometimes it isn't about knowing what to say, but instead just listening to someone who wants to share. Asking someone how their day is going and smiling at them breaks through the cloak of invisibility. Stopping to make eye contact lets them know that you care enough to take a second out of your day to listen to their thoughts, even as many others refuse a welcoming ear. Giving a person the time of day means more than being able to express yourself in their language. Caring is a universal language that can be spoken by everyone, as long as one opens their heart.
Today, I was given three euro by an elderly woman we were helping during my misericoldia service. She told me to go and get a coffee with it. Today, I saw a man from the soup kitchen as I was walking to school, and he recognized me. We stopped, chatted about something, im not sure what, and he gave me a kiss goodbye. He remembered who I was, I remembered who he was and for a few seconds, we meant something to each other. The elderly man went on his way, and I went on mine, but I won't forget the impact he had, and the way the recognition between us resonated. He made me feel like I made an impact, and I hope he knows how much I care about helping him. The invisibility lifted and love and understanding fell into its place. Today, as I was walking to the bus I was prepared to give my nutella sandwhich and a croissant to the man who sits on the corner. Today, I was going to ask him his name. When I walked by, he wasn't there. I don;t know where he is and I don't know the last time I've been this worried about someone, let alone a stranger. I pray that he is warm, and that he has had enough food. I pray that I get to see him tomorrow and ask him his name.
I don't know the names of any of the people that impacted me today. They don't know mine either. What I do know is that they showed me what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to make visible those who feel like no one can see them. I want to unveil the cloak, and show people that there are those who still care for them and haven't forgotten their faces. Whether it is the children in the cities, the elderly or another forgotten population, I want to go where no one else will, just so that I can smile, ask someone how they are, and try to peel away the layers of invisibility that have been caked on. I want to do the impossible. I want to make an impact. I want to battle invisibility.
Thank you to the three people who changed me today. I hope you know how much you have impacted me, and how tightly I carry you in my heart. No matter how many people walk by you without a glance, I see you.
I pray that you all feel visible, and that you have hearts filled with hope and love.
With thanks,
Siobhan
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sunshine and Smiles
Today was the day that I realized all the sacrifices I made to come to Italy were truly worth it. Today, I ate my lunch by myself on a bench in a little garden that looks directly at this beautiful fountain. I sat there and thought, for the first time, that everything I did to get here was worth it. THe six jobs I had between May and January, the late nights, early mornings, tantrums cause I thought I wouldn't have enough money, the driving my parents crazy, two summer classes I had to take and one I still have to, all of the new clothes (not really complaining) and even missing my family and friends every day. It was all worth it to look up at the sun shining down on the beautiful fountain and to know that I am surviving. It was the most beautiful day today, a day we wouldn't see back home until april, and I believe it was a sign sent to me that I am supposed to be here. After a month and one day, I finally feel like I made the right choice, and that it is okay to make this my home...at least for a little while.
Yesterday was my day trip to Venice and it was unbelievable. We woke up at four in the morning to walk into town to catch the bus, therefore avoiding the taxi fare. After a five hour bus ride, and some free croissants provided by the tour group we were traveling with, we made it to Venice. Now, I have always wanted to go on a gondola, because really who doesn't, but had decided it was going to be improbably and too expensive. Well, I was wrong. After buying our ten euro carnivale masks (I may or may not have threw a fit in Siena because I KNEW they weren't going to be cheaper than 50 e and i DEFINITELY was not spending that...oops) we ran into a gondola dock. After some waiting, decisions and a little bribery (thanks Rachel), three of us got on the gondola for 25 e a piece. IT was the best money spent...aside from my bright yellow rainboots. I still can't believe I actually did it and the only reason I know it did was because of the thousands of pictures I took. I am so happy that I got to see Venice by water...when I wasn't looking at the BEAUTIFUL gondolere rowing the boat. I'm just sayin, it was a nice addition to Valentines Day ;).
The rest of the day was basically spent walking to the famous bridge Pointe di Riole (I think). It took about two hours because there were SO many people, being the last day of carnivale in Venice. After being pushed, herded, yelled at and shoved, we made it to the bridge! We stopped in a lot of shops along the way to look at the marrone glass, and I got to scope out some sweet souvenieres to buy when my parents and I go back in April (get your wallets ready!). The bridge itself was beautiful and worth the two hour trek. After a quick lunch, we decided to head to San Marco square and then to the ferry to head back to the bus. San MArco square sucked. I am sure that it is beautiful on a normal day, but not when you are packed like friggin animals trying to get through to the ferry dock. From the time we entered the square until the time we got onto the ferry, we were pushed, shoved, yelled and at and herded..again. I now have a solid appreciation for those entering ellis island. I'm sorry you were yelled at, I know how it feels. FINALLY, we got on the ferry, and after some close calls and almost heart attacks, we made it to the bus on time. The day was tiring, as we didn't get back home until midnight, but it was worth every second. Its another city to cross off my list, and another experience of a lifetime I will never forget.
So I've made it. I have made it past the one month mark, and have grown lots in the last four weeks. I sometimes wonder if I will be the same person when I get home, and what changes other people will notice in me. Will my changes be so severe that it will be hard to reestablish myself at home, or will it be easy for me to overcome? All I know is that time will reveal the answer, and I have my loved ones to stand by me no matter how crazy I get. I love you all, and thank you for the unrelenting support and care you have shown me. Without you, I wouldn't be looking forward to my next few months here with as much hope as I have in my heart right now. I can't wait to see what adventure comes my way next, and where else I get pushed like freakin cattle.
I hope you all had a day filled with sunshine and smiles, and that you hearts are as filled with hope as mine is at this moment,
Siobhan
Yesterday was my day trip to Venice and it was unbelievable. We woke up at four in the morning to walk into town to catch the bus, therefore avoiding the taxi fare. After a five hour bus ride, and some free croissants provided by the tour group we were traveling with, we made it to Venice. Now, I have always wanted to go on a gondola, because really who doesn't, but had decided it was going to be improbably and too expensive. Well, I was wrong. After buying our ten euro carnivale masks (I may or may not have threw a fit in Siena because I KNEW they weren't going to be cheaper than 50 e and i DEFINITELY was not spending that...oops) we ran into a gondola dock. After some waiting, decisions and a little bribery (thanks Rachel), three of us got on the gondola for 25 e a piece. IT was the best money spent...aside from my bright yellow rainboots. I still can't believe I actually did it and the only reason I know it did was because of the thousands of pictures I took. I am so happy that I got to see Venice by water...when I wasn't looking at the BEAUTIFUL gondolere rowing the boat. I'm just sayin, it was a nice addition to Valentines Day ;).
The rest of the day was basically spent walking to the famous bridge Pointe di Riole (I think). It took about two hours because there were SO many people, being the last day of carnivale in Venice. After being pushed, herded, yelled at and shoved, we made it to the bridge! We stopped in a lot of shops along the way to look at the marrone glass, and I got to scope out some sweet souvenieres to buy when my parents and I go back in April (get your wallets ready!). The bridge itself was beautiful and worth the two hour trek. After a quick lunch, we decided to head to San Marco square and then to the ferry to head back to the bus. San MArco square sucked. I am sure that it is beautiful on a normal day, but not when you are packed like friggin animals trying to get through to the ferry dock. From the time we entered the square until the time we got onto the ferry, we were pushed, shoved, yelled and at and herded..again. I now have a solid appreciation for those entering ellis island. I'm sorry you were yelled at, I know how it feels. FINALLY, we got on the ferry, and after some close calls and almost heart attacks, we made it to the bus on time. The day was tiring, as we didn't get back home until midnight, but it was worth every second. Its another city to cross off my list, and another experience of a lifetime I will never forget.
So I've made it. I have made it past the one month mark, and have grown lots in the last four weeks. I sometimes wonder if I will be the same person when I get home, and what changes other people will notice in me. Will my changes be so severe that it will be hard to reestablish myself at home, or will it be easy for me to overcome? All I know is that time will reveal the answer, and I have my loved ones to stand by me no matter how crazy I get. I love you all, and thank you for the unrelenting support and care you have shown me. Without you, I wouldn't be looking forward to my next few months here with as much hope as I have in my heart right now. I can't wait to see what adventure comes my way next, and where else I get pushed like freakin cattle.
I hope you all had a day filled with sunshine and smiles, and that you hearts are as filled with hope as mine is at this moment,
Siobhan
Friday, February 12, 2010
Miss Independent Kelly Clarkson Style
Woa- three posts in three days, I should really slow down. I'm not sure if I like writing because I want people to hear about my experience, or because it is another way to get my words down on the page, and know that what I am experiencing will be remembered forever. Words seem to be really powerful and I like to write the same thing down in lots of different mediums just to see the different effect that they have on myself, and maybe even on everyone else. So here is another post for you all to read- whether that is a good thing or bad thing I dont know but you're just going to have to deal. Or x out of the internet window.
You all know that I have been struggling wtih trying to find my place here, make connections and fit in. Well, I woke up this morning with a new attitude. It might have had to do with the fact that it was snowing AGAIN in Siena, but who knows. It could have just as easily have been the coffee I drank this morning. Here is what I have decided. I did not come to Italy to meet my best friends, or to find my soul mate (although he may have been the hot man who winked at me in the cafe this afternoon...just sayin). Now, this does not mean that I'm not going to be a nice person, go out, or make an effort. I plan to do all those things and I plan to do them all with the typical sarcastic flare we all know I possess. What it does mean is that I am not going to try to always have a say, have people pay attention to me or try to be a part of a conversation just so people remember who I am. It isn't that important to me anymore. If people want to get to know me, I am open. If you know who I am, you know that I am open to love and friendship every minute of everyday. I believe in love, and that is what gets me through the hardest of days. It drives my goals in life, and that will never change. If people here want to get to know me, I am an open book. Ask me the hardest or most personal questions and you will find an answer.
What this means to me is that at the end of the day, this trip is for me. It is about having my own experiences, standing on my own two feet, putting myself first, and dealing with the changes that come my way in the best manner I can. I am open to anything and anyone, but I am done trying to be what other people want me to be, and I am especially done trying to figure out what people want me to be. I will always be the girl that puts her family and friends first, but if people here don't get to know that about me, its okay. Its okay becuase at the end of the day, I want to learn more about who I am and who I want to be. I would love to find best friends, soul mates, love, etc. on this trip but those are all side goals. In the end, this is about stanidng on my own two feet, and thas what I'm going to do.
Speaking of feet, I bought the COOLEST rain boots today. Don't ask me how much they were because it was slightly more than the twenty dollars I paid at Charlotte Rousse for the boots that lasted maybe a month. BUT here are the pros to my purchase:
1) it has snowed for the second day in siena and my payless boots were soaked. Therefore, the purchase needed to be made for me health so that I did not freeze and/or die. This is no exaggeration
2) It rains back home so obviously they are useful there too
3) they are lined, which makes them nice and warm
4) not a reason I bought them, but they may or may not happen to be bright yellow, which makes me look like a duck.
I'm pretty positive those are some good reasons to buy the boots and if you disagree, well suck it. I'm pretty sure my host mom also may think yellow is my favorite color because I bought a pair of bright yellow lacosse sneakers a week ago. When I showed them to her, she did not seem to think they were pretty. Woops.
I hope that your day is as wonderful as mine is snowy, and that you all have the chance to buy something for yourselves,
Siobhan
You all know that I have been struggling wtih trying to find my place here, make connections and fit in. Well, I woke up this morning with a new attitude. It might have had to do with the fact that it was snowing AGAIN in Siena, but who knows. It could have just as easily have been the coffee I drank this morning. Here is what I have decided. I did not come to Italy to meet my best friends, or to find my soul mate (although he may have been the hot man who winked at me in the cafe this afternoon...just sayin). Now, this does not mean that I'm not going to be a nice person, go out, or make an effort. I plan to do all those things and I plan to do them all with the typical sarcastic flare we all know I possess. What it does mean is that I am not going to try to always have a say, have people pay attention to me or try to be a part of a conversation just so people remember who I am. It isn't that important to me anymore. If people want to get to know me, I am open. If you know who I am, you know that I am open to love and friendship every minute of everyday. I believe in love, and that is what gets me through the hardest of days. It drives my goals in life, and that will never change. If people here want to get to know me, I am an open book. Ask me the hardest or most personal questions and you will find an answer.
What this means to me is that at the end of the day, this trip is for me. It is about having my own experiences, standing on my own two feet, putting myself first, and dealing with the changes that come my way in the best manner I can. I am open to anything and anyone, but I am done trying to be what other people want me to be, and I am especially done trying to figure out what people want me to be. I will always be the girl that puts her family and friends first, but if people here don't get to know that about me, its okay. Its okay becuase at the end of the day, I want to learn more about who I am and who I want to be. I would love to find best friends, soul mates, love, etc. on this trip but those are all side goals. In the end, this is about stanidng on my own two feet, and thas what I'm going to do.
Speaking of feet, I bought the COOLEST rain boots today. Don't ask me how much they were because it was slightly more than the twenty dollars I paid at Charlotte Rousse for the boots that lasted maybe a month. BUT here are the pros to my purchase:
1) it has snowed for the second day in siena and my payless boots were soaked. Therefore, the purchase needed to be made for me health so that I did not freeze and/or die. This is no exaggeration
2) It rains back home so obviously they are useful there too
3) they are lined, which makes them nice and warm
4) not a reason I bought them, but they may or may not happen to be bright yellow, which makes me look like a duck.
I'm pretty positive those are some good reasons to buy the boots and if you disagree, well suck it. I'm pretty sure my host mom also may think yellow is my favorite color because I bought a pair of bright yellow lacosse sneakers a week ago. When I showed them to her, she did not seem to think they were pretty. Woops.
I hope that your day is as wonderful as mine is snowy, and that you all have the chance to buy something for yourselves,
Siobhan
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